Spending time

Not that i have that much time to blog... but i rather spend my time doing this than.. say, "work". Man, at this rate, i am going to suffer from work depression. What a 180 degrees turnabout from my first year at work. If you ask me then if i thought i would ever feel like this about work, i would have answered with a resounding, "No".

But it has become as such my friends.
It has.

"Either i will find a way, or i will make one" - Sir Philip Sidney

I tried looking for a way to survive in this environment but it seems like the more i try to look for a solution, the more evasive the solution becomes. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge that 'a way' may not be to try to 'save' this sh*t h*le i am in, but to seek 'a way' out. Even if i have to charge right at the walls and break through it. A way i must make to GET OUT for ME, not a way to undo the mess that other people keep heaping on our heads.

Hell, its one thing to believe in the "ideals" but it is totally another thing to be uplifting it in a place when there seems to be a conspiracy to undermine it or just total incapability to adhere to it. Whatever it is, 'ideals' cannot be holding up my head above the water at the end of the day. There have got to be more!

I am sorry if i have disappointed any of you for thinking like this. But i really cant go on like this for very much longer.

I think it is about time i start planning on how to pave my own way.

"Fixed again"

But don't know for how long.

"wai"

Dunno why but my side bar has gone 'down under' again.
Happens everytime after a few post though i did not touch the template...
Hmmm okie.. i did touch it but that was just to include Mr Tabs onto the sidebar and during preview and for a couple of hours, everything looked fine!

*frown*
What am i missing out on?

New Pond

Pond Musings: The Pond Reopens for Business
Ngiap Heng, our wedding album photographer just came back from the a pretty long hiatus and announced that he is gonna stop doing AD wedding photography to concentrate on doing more commercial work & portraits at The Pond. A great loss to future wedding couples i am sure but heck.. good for him i'd say!

When we first met NH, he has already struck me as someone a trifle bit odd to be in the wedding photography business, especially when you listen to his ideas and philosophy of taking photographs. Frankly he is more of an artist and just have too much to offer than be doing AD for wedding couples especially most couples just prefer the run-of-the-mill sort of wedding photography and NH is definitely not a run-of-the-mill photographer. Just check out his website and blog and you'll see what i mean...

Still, i can help but feel a trifle bit glad that our wedding was before his decision was made cos we weren't going to have a wedding album unless NH could be the photographer. Phew, lucky for us! *grins* Anyway, really wishing him and his team at The Pond all the best. There's nothing more important than doing what you believe in... :)

Post 30 Syndrome

AHA!

A new look for the blog.

A tad girlish and not at all my usual style but...
it's a woman's perogative to be fickle, no?

Took me about 2 hours to tweak and customize the original template.
Would have been quicker if my eyesight and mental processing have not aged alongside my physical body.

Ah well.
At least a productive way to spend the Youth Day school hols than lie on the couch to play mahjong on the PSII.

Now i am playing AND tweaking my blog!
*grins*

Thousands of toriis

Thousands of toriis
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

At last, the first part of our Japan trip's photos is out.
All the 123 photos are ONLY for Tokyo & Kyoto.
And it is only SELECTED photos.

16GB... That's how trigger happy wilk can be.

Sigh... Man!

But at least, they were nice photos... even if there were occasions he nearly lost track of me because he lingered so far behind trying to snap a shot at every things he see. *heh heh*

Anyway... more to come later!

A change is in order

I want to change the template for my long-neglected blog.
Just to freshen it up a little, especially since the alighment also abit koyak.

But then i am seized by an overbearing sense of... lethargy.
That pretty sums up my life these days actually.

16 GB

After 15 days in Japan and that's the amount of photos we have.
All of 16GB...
Good lord..
Makes me wonder how we are ever gonna finish sorting them through.

Japan was great though we had a couple of pretty 'harassed' moments initially as we hardly had time to prepare ourselves for the trip. Basically we worked right till the last minute and rushed home to pack before going to the airport after work.

The places we visited was memorable though the walking was pretty tiring. Shopping was great but terribly expensive, especially in tokyo. Food was quite affordable and hotels were not too bad though rooms in tokyo are pretty small. And most surprising was Japanese people spoke more english than we had anticipated, even if they didn't, you could always get an "eigo-menyu" (English menu).

Anyway, here's the itinerary...

Day 1 : tokyo - Ueno koen & asakusa

Day 2: Tokyo - Tsukiji fish mkt, harajuku, shinjuku,

Day 3: Tokyo/Kyoto - Explore kyoto station area, downtown kyoto & Gion

Day 4: Northern Kyoto - Fushimi-inari taisha, Nanzen Ji, Honen-in, Chion-in

Day 5: Southern Kyoto - Ginkakuji, tofukuji, kiyomizu-dera,

Day 6: Kyoto/Nara: Kinkakuji, Around Nara City & Kofuji

Day 7: Nara Koen - Todaiji, daibutsu-den, Kasuga Taisha

Day 8: Nara/Ise - Day trip to Ise Jingu

Day 9: Nara/Kobe - Harbor Land, Meriken Park

Day 10: Kobe (day trip to Osaka) - Osaka Kita area, Umeda Sky Tower, Osaka Aquarium

Day 11: Kobe/Himeji - Himeji jo, Koko-en, overnight at onsen ryokan hotel

Day 12: Himeji/Tokyo - Central Tokyo,

Day 13: Day trip to Disneyland

Day 14: Day trip to Yokohama (Yohohama Art museum & Chinatown)

Day 15: Shopping in Ginza, Akirahaba


Wish the photos are sorted and up... Makes it easier to write about them.
Oh well.. it was fun though and the trip back we upgraded our SQ tickets to business class and it was worth it, seeing how tired we were at the end of the trip.

Well, let's see how the photos turn out then.

Da cat

Ruskie is recovering well and less grouchy these days... at least to me. Bringing him to the vet for his monthly blood test still drives him insane (the vet has never seen such a defensive cat in her practise) but at least he is coping pretty well with the fluid dialysis at home. He might growl but at least he stopped struggling to get out once the needle goes in and would lie pretty still in my lap till its done. The biting (when i try to inset the needle in) reduced too.

Good news is, after these few months of doing the fluids and daily medication, his eyes started to contract a little bit and he seems to get around places and obstacles very well (no more knocking into walls, even in an unfamiliar place)! And last week, just prior to his blood test, i tried stopping the fluid dialysis to see if it would cost his creatanin level to increased (normal level is ard 2.4 and ruskie has been hovering around 3.1, his highest was at 3.7). I know it was a bit risky but i just wanted to know if he could do without the twice weekly drip treatment (it pains my heart to 'poke' him each time and see him so stress) or at least reduce it. If the level shot up again, i guess we would have to continue that course of treatment then.

Fortunately, it was a risk worth taking because his level dropped further to a 2.9! First time since Dec when he first became sick, even the vet was quite surprised especially knowing that he has gone without the fluid for a week! In any case i felt a tremendous sense of relief to know that he is really getting better. After a discussion with the vet, she too felt that ruskie is holding up really well with the special diet and medication so she reduced his fluid dialysis to just half a bag weekly while we continue to monitor his createnin level. Hopefully in the near future he wouldn't need the dialysis anymore and ruskie can start to enjoy his life without painful needles again.

Horizon

Horizon
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Taking the first step into my 4th decade of existence. Quite a mish-mash of feelings right now. Some sense of relief that i have been through the first 1/3 of my life (presuming optimistically that i'll live to be at least 90 of course) with relative good fortune. A little sense of disappointment that i didn't achieve more than i could have. A nagging feeling of regret over some 'crimes' i have committed over the years. But generally happy, because it's after all my birthday today.

Just received an email about 'reappraisal' from a friend of mine and i guess i was at the state of reappraisal for the last 3 years. Damn long if you asked me, just to do some stock-taking and planning for the future. Yet here it is, the final 'deadline' before moving on to my next phase in life.. and i am still at it because my inventory list still have a couple of lobangs and my future plans remain hazy.

In the last 30 years, i have learnt to tie my shoelaces, play the piano & paint badly. I have obtained numerous academic certificates, which in the end i found, did not correlate to success in life. I have accumulated some unique experiences such as getting kicked out of school at the age of 8 and working for a 'smuggling syndicate' before the age of 12. I have been through financial upheavals where family fortune was completely reversed twice in these 30 years, once in 1984 (terribly bad), another in 90s (still on the way up). Through it all, i have understood my family a little bit more and made my peace with them after the rather angst-filled teenage years. I have also learnt to appreciate all that they have given me in terms of their love and support (no matter how odd their way of expressions are).

I started my first permanent job at the age of 25 and is still at it. I am still confused if my passion brought me my job or is it the other way round. I learnt about true compassion with the children i see and some people i worked with. Yet, i have also discarded my rose-tinted glasses and learnt the sad truth about office politics and experienced the person-numbing effects of work-dissatisfaction. I realized the importance of being tactful & watching the words i say because passion & drive sometimes turn others against you. With that, i've also seen how colleagues can be true friends & felt their protective presence the moment i realized that work is not as innocent & straight-forward as i have thought.

I have met many people and made many friends over the years though they came and went. Still, there were others who came back again and stayed for good (i hope). I learnt some lessons about friendships such as empathy & patience but sometimes i am still at a loss about what to do or say to a friend. I still have not learnt how to be a social butterfly but managed to be more extroverted in my early 20s. Over the years, i have also accumulated more confidence in expressing myself but occasionally froze when i had to address a group suddenly.

I went through emotional ups & downs in relationships from the age of 18, though my first ever crush on a guy was when i was in kindergarten. I might have some ideas how it felt like to be depressed, to be vinditive, to be betrayed, to be hateful, but also to be protected, to be honoured and to be loved. I have only ever dated 3 guys seriously and married the last guy after dating for 7 years. Though we continued to fight and squabble sometimes, despite the change in our "status", the love that was so intangible before, is becoming clearer as time goes by.

There are so many other things about other things i have learnt and experienced but here's the essence of what i know. With time (perhaps another decade?), this essence of me will have more flavour, like boiling a giant pot of soup-stock. Till then, i guess i will just have to keep stirring & adding in the years (and what it entails) as they come.

So... Here's to me... happy 30th.

afterwards...

When a death occurs in the family... often it is the living who has to continue bearing the burden of what has happened.

Today, my aunt passed away suddenly after struggling with brain cancer over the last few months.
Her passing threw everyone around her into a whirlpool of pain, sadness and... unavoidably, guilt.

At noon today, a middle-age lady decided to walk out of her house with only an umbrella in a span of 5 minutes when no one was watching.

Perhaps it was an accumulation of stress, depression and pain...
Perhaps it was the denial of her cancer recurring...
Perhaps it was the fear of going through another round of painful treatment...
Or just the fear of not making it through.
God knows what else was going through her mind when she decided that enough was enough, and decided to end things on her terms.
God knows if she knew what would go through the minds of all of us now that she has left, so quickly, so desperately.

Whatever it was that went through her mind in her last moments... whatever it was that went through the minds of her family... in my mind, i can only remember the conversation during my mother's phonecall to me this morning at 11..

"Remember to go see your aunt later"
"It's raining so heavily... i will go after lunch"

Lunch never came... instead a phonecall did.

Hospitalized again...

Sick Ruskie 01.JPG
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Things are not looking well... Vet confirmed that it's kidney failure. Ruskie also has hypertension due to the kidneys. Hence both pupils are now dilated and the poor thing cant really see anymore... most likely to be a permanent condition.

Long term wise, Ruskie will need continual home-based 'dialysis' (putting a bag of fluid under his skin through a needle twice a week).

I am not sure if i am coming to grips with it all yet... especially when looking through some of his old pictures. Don't know how so much could have happened to him while i was in China. Worse thing is, i can't really explain to him why he has to go through so much pain over the last few weeks and he has been quite 'distance' from me, the "chief-torturer".

It's all gone quite mad since 2006 came around.

?????????

�?????????????????�

???????????????????????????????????�????�????


�??????????????????�

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?
?
?
?????????�???????� ? �???????�???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Sick Cat

Profile Portrait
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

It has been a harrowing few days for poor ruskie when i was in Boracay. While i was away, he suddenly jumped out onto the balcony, refusing to come in despite pleas from wilk. By the time i got back, his left pupil had problems (cannot contract) and his vision was affected. Under such stress and staying out on the balcony, he became constipated and didn't eat for a while.

By the time i got home on sunday, he was one miserable and grouchy cat (understandably), and it took me a while to finally carried him back into the room. For the past 3 days, he still refused to eat and would growl/bite anyone who tried to carried him. The only exception was that he allowed me to pat him when he was in a 'relaxed' posture though he would give some warning growls whenever i tried to pick him up.

When the vet saw him last night (clinic was closed on tues and i kept him in to observe him on monday), she couldn't really say if his eye problem was due to a specific cause. He gave such a big struggle that eventually she had to sedate him to do the blood test and examination. Thankfully his liver is okie though his kidneys need some monitoring. Doc decided to hospitalize him for next 2 days to help tackle the constipation and dehydration problems. Hopefully that will reduce his pain and improve his mood. As for the eye, we can only see what could be the problem when the other things are cleared.

It is a stressful time for ruskie and a stressful time for me as well because i cant imagine if something were to happen to him. As it is, i am quite upset that he wont respond to me in his usual goofy way. Can't help but felt so guilty because i left him to go to Boracay and in some ways, felt that he is 'ignoring' me because he felt abandoned.

:(

Only hope now is that he can make it back home for xmas...

Sigh.

Mayday Concert - 10/12/05

The concert was FANTASTIC!!!!!

Basically had a rocking good time during the concert and it took some effort for me not to swoon whenever Ashin sang. Ya... becoming a band 'groupie' at a ripe old auntie age of 29 is sooooo... unbecoming. But what can i say? I am dead in love with mayday (with prior approval from the hubby already)!

So there we were, my colleague and I, waving our hands with lightsticks in the air and singing every song that evening on the top of our voices, as if we were still 18. Gosh.. an amazing experience and a most remarkable band!

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 5
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

The inner arrangements of the tulous are simple (same for both round and rectangular tulous). It works pretty much like a row of step-up apartments placed side by side where a whole family occupies each segment of the 4 storied building.

The groundfloor is always the kitchen and toilet. The middle plot of open land is where livestock such as ducks, geese, pigs and chickens are kept together with a common well. On the second floor would be the storage area where the families would keep their grains. These are not kept on the ground floor due to the humidity and it would be unwise to keep it too high up and away from the kitchen. Finally, on the third and fourth floors would be the living quarters. Each floors are linked by a common passage way but each family's unit might be divided differently within their space.

It was said that as each tulou is so self-contained (with food and water), that during war times, a whole community can closed up the tulou and be self-sufficient for up to a year without having to step outside till the trouble blew over. And it is difficult for any attacker to lay seige to a tulou as the other walls were high to scale and the front doors could be double barred with stones. Local history has it that during the "Taiping Revolution" at the Yong Ding area, many rebels occupied the tulous and survived that way from the Qing army before moving onwards.

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 14
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

The round hakka tulous were built using mud bricks and wood, without nails according the a chinese 'ba gua' format (round on the outside, octagonal in the inside) which makes it a truly remarkable feat considering the durability and functionality of the architecture. The unusual structure helps it to retain heat in the winter and keep things cool and ventilated in the summer.

Each 'octagonal' side within the round tulous are reinforced with bricks, which serves as a natural firebreak, hence one section of the building can be burned down (accidents or during war time), the other parts can remain intact. The damage area can be easily rebuild to connect to the rest of the structure again.

It is really quite majestic when viewed from the top though most tulou cannot be more than 4 or 5 stories high due to the foundations. When looked from the side, the other walls of the round tulous actually curved slightly inwards which helped in creating a natural incline for the inside roofs to shelter each floor from the damange of sun and rain. The foundations are usually around 3m deep with the width at the bottom of the other walls around 1.8m while the top is around 1.2m. Due to the thickness of the walls, despite the years of sun & rain, the buildings remain sturdy though cracks and erosion occurs.

Visiting Hakka Tulous

YONGDING, HAKKA TULOU 2
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Spent 9 days (Dec 1 - Dec 9) in my annual trip to China this year. Half the time was visiting my folks and eating sinfully good food while other half was making a short trip to Xiamen & Yong Ding. Particularly memorable was the Hakka Tulous around the Yong Ding region (4 1/2 hr bus ride inland from Xiamen.

When talking about Hakka Tulous, most would probably think of the round community houses but in actual fact, most tulous are rectangular. The very first tulous built weren't round and it was only after a few years before round tulous appeared as it takes more effort and was more time consuming to build a round tulou. The sizes between the tulous also varies between having 3-4 families to 40-50 households within the same tulou, each a self-contained community. One village can make up of several rectangular and round tulous, usually situated around a river (the front door should face the water as the hakkas believe it will bring luck). Though everyone speak hakka, there may be slight differences even between different tulous in the area.

Most tulous has lasted for hundreds of years with minimum renovations (considering how poor the communities are, most probably couldn't afford to renovate), just strengthening some parts with bamboo strips or replacing wore out parts of the wood. Some have withstand natural disasters such as earthquake and man-made disasters such as wars.

Adjustments

Haven�t blog for a while because I needed sometime to �reconsolidate� my life especially at this juncture after I �transcended� from a Miss to a Mrs, into another plane of existence altogether. I don�t think I went into marriage with rose-tinted glasses but reality still takes a bit of getting used to and more often than not, I do have to �scale-down� my previously held expectations. In any case, there are just so much adjustment going on right now that I just needed sometime to get a hold of myself, perhaps even reconfigure who I am and what I want to be, taking stock of where I am at this moment, family-wise and work-wise.

It is hard to pen anything thoughts down coherently about being married after the wedding and the weeks that followed because I hardly had time to untangle all these new experiences before they were compounded by my overseas trip, work-related anxiety/stress and general load-of-crap. The only time I have for myself might be those snippets of hours when I vegged out infront of the TV before bedtime just so that I could be mentally distracted from reality. Other times, I am just busy tackling life on the whole and everyone that�s connected with it. It is at times frustrating and definitely physically and mentally draining. And that�s just at work�

I think I might have overloaded myself trying to do everything and be everything without first thinking through what is it I really want to achieve now. It�s knowing that I am the same but perhaps functioning at a different playing field. I want to do the things I used to do and though it is true, life shouldn�t change at the point of being married but yet, I can�t pretend that everything remains the same. I have new responsibilities and priorities that I cannot simply ignore or pretend not to exist just because I want to stick to �being myself� (well i guess the "myself" being pre-marital status). It�s like wanting to hang out with friends but somehow or the other, I couldn�t or shouldn�t, at least not like the way I have before. And when I attempt to accommodate my old schedules/habits with my new ones, I�m the one ending up tired and bushed.

It is not quite as dramatic or overt as it sounds but the subtle differences and pressures do add up. Frankly I am not sure how to structure my priorities yet.
Which comes first?
To be true to myself?
To be a good wife?
To be a good daughter?
To be a good daughter in law?

Would it be unreasonable to place them in the order which I�ve rather instinctive typed out? Perhaps I am more egocentric than most.

I have only been married for 2 months (exactly, come 9th Nov) and I think I asked more than once, how is being married now work out better than when I was dating the hubby? Other than perhaps having more money in the bank account now that two people are contributing to expenses. We spent just as much time together (and in fact, have much less time for ourselves) and continue to do things that we do together while dating (come to think of it, we seem to do them less now because we have to work in other things such as dinner back at the in-laws).

Yet�
I do feel something good about being married that is quite difficult to articulate. A certain sense of security and that added �stress� when worrying about this recently-crowned most important person in my life is surprisingly quite� sweet (in a little wifey sort of way).

I am trying to get a handle on it and I won�t be surprised if I still get those �I can�t believe I�m married!� moments and get a chuckle out of it but certainly, it shouldn�t inspire any more sense of blind panic and wild anxiety.

That�s the theory anyway.

Mr Tabs

adopt your own virtual pet!

First Birthday Wishes...

from a wifey to a hubby... Hee hee

Many many happy returns darling...
Hope to celebrate your birthday with you every year for the rest of our lives...
*muaks*

Home and Such...

The last 2 weeks or so has not been great, with bad news from home and of people passing on. Melancholia seems to seep into everything we do. As if what we were going through in NC was any much better. Heard from friends that while we were gone, colleague's parents met with a bad accident and her mom passed away and her father is seriously injuried. Soon to follow were news of a fellow trainee's uncle who had passed away and then her own dad coming down with a mild stroke. In some unfortunate coincident, i also received a call from my cousin who informed me that my uncle in msia has also passed away and needed to get in touch with my parents urgently. It was surreal being a bearer of bad news across the globe at 3am in the morning trying to reach my parents in china.

School has been turned upside down, literally because of the carnival and apparently some of my kids are NOT doing well, hence need urgent attention. Reports are overdue, no thanks to my fried motherboard on the old laptop, and tons of meetings have to be scheduled now that we are back. And oh, case conference is starting in 2 weeks.

On the brighter side of things, my mobile phone is working fine again and i am just glad to be home safe.

Sunset at Raffles Marina

Sunset at Raffles Marina
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Finally all the actual day wedding photos are up in flickr. Wilk has uploaded them for me to see while i am in North Carolina & that was so nice because i am missing him terribly but the pictures helped put a smile on my face when i go through it. Wonderful memories and again, i can't thank all the friends and family who helped enough... because without them & everyone who took time to attend that day, wilk & I wouldn't have had such a memorable wedding.

Away and Life's Shit

Touched down in USA since sunday and life's a bitch.

In short:
1) Laptop's motherboard fried itself on my first day away
2) HP soon followed suit
3) Same with my Sony MP3 earphones

Seems everything electronic is slowly disintegrating once i got here.
I have nothing to work on... can't talk to love ones on the phone... and can only listen to my music on one side of my head.

Life sucks at this point.
Cant help but speculate that 1) i used up all my good luck for my wedding or 2) someone up there is punishing me for not having a decent honeymoon but spending my time working instead.

sigh.



help.

Wedding blooms

my love is like a
Originally uploaded by varf.

Love the flowers...

0 9 0 9 2 0 0 5

Well people.. we had a fantastic wedding and thanks to all the guests for indulging us by coming out all the way to �the end of Singapore � aka Tuas� and celebrating 090905 with us. I don�t think Wilk and I could have had such a memorable day if not for everyone�s well wishes and blessings (esp the weatherman, for granting us clear skies with no rain).

Viewed through the video footage and realized that i seemed to tear alot, esp where my brothers were concerned, once during the tea ceremony when both of them asked if Wilk would take care of me forever & make my burden his as well. Second time when the videographer asked me why did i get so emotional during tea ceremony in our bridal london taxi on our way to Wilk's place, third was during our wedding vows and last time was when both my brothers gave a speech each. The whole day i felt really touched, from the time my jie meis' helped me the previous night to finish doing my angbao postbox to my parents sending me off after the tea ceremony till the actual solemnization ceremony.

The outdoor setting was more than what we asked for and it was quite amazing that there wasn't any major hiccups. I don't know how others felt but it's certainly one of the most amazing experiences i ever have and i had all the people i love all around me. My only regret was perhaps not having a chance to taste much of the food though friends gave pretty good reviews (only hope they wont just being polite *heh heh*). We really love the flowers decor though we had to top up extra, but i think some things in life are worth it you know? Guess flowers are more important to me than say... a champagne fountain.

In the end, both wilk & i looked back at 090905 with great memories and we were just so blessed that we DID end up with the wedding the way we wanted it. Such as having a beautiful sunset buffet outdoors in tuas (yes abit far, but we can make noise!!). Or having our friends and my bros to give a speech than doing the cake cutting or champagne pouring (which felt more personal and meaningful for us). And even engaging a rock band to play and we got to sing live and ham it up for everyone. The songs we sang was orginally meant to be a surprise for each other and the band tried so hard to keep us from finding it out (both of us only found out there and then!). It was so cool and wilk can REALLY sing. I really eating my words now because i always tell people he cant really sing for nuts (I am sorry dear, now i know better & will only let you sing the English songs than Chinese ones).

Yes, guess we are quite the closet exhibitionists and despite our initial worries, our parents didn't looked too fazed by the whole 'unconventionality' of it all. But could tell, it took them a while to warm up... well my parents certainly did, judging by their impromptu 'upstaging' singing performance in the front of the stage with their whole CHURCH CHOIR! I wondered what went through my in-laws mind in that moment since they were not christians at all and was possibly shell-shock about the brazeness of my family (at least in terms of our apparent lack of stage fright).

Anyway everyone in my family went up on stage that night and that's the coolest thing ever to me. I am really proud of being part of them and 'inherited' such 'fine' genes. At least it explained the 'exhibitionistic' side of me.. Heh though i wonder what's wilk's excuse.. :D At the end of the day, no one forced fed us any alcohol so we are still bouncing and jumping around. Wished more people danced but guess everyone's shy. Hahaha. Well, they weren't so shy when a couple of our friends (15 or so!) crowded into our bridal suite and make us do such M18 things that we would be SURE to repay some of it back the next time they get married.

It was a fun-filled night, full of joyous laughter and we took that with us as we go to bed. No.. the reality of counting the angbaos did not even entered our head till the next morning so we ended the evening doing what newly-weds do... eating leftover crayfish and sipping wine in bed. :)

Oh incidentally... despite wilk's initial misgivings about expenses and all that (perhaps its because of all that 'non-standard' items like the live band), we did really well with our budget (at least for the actual day and i am very proud of myself - told wilk he shd trust me but it wasnt until the final moment after we paid the bills before he realized that his new wife IS quite good with budgetting). No we didnt 'earn' anything but we certainly didn't incur any debt cos the gift money from relatives and friends helped covered for the dinner, flowers, alcohol and band! So thanks to everyone again!!

Keeping track

I am not sure i felt nervous now. Nor quite as jittery as that day at the sushi bar. Perhaps the immensity of what is going to happen next friday has not fully settled in yet but i am hopeful that blind panic and fear would not be kicking in anymore after that day. Guess i am as ready as i'll ever be... mentally at least. Preparation-wise, i am still trying to tie up the loose ends. Wilk has been fantastic with his preps but seems to have his bouts of insecurity and panic as well. Just the other day, he woke up and told me that he dreamt our wedding was over, and the great relief he felt when he thought it was. I think i understand how he felt.

Neither of us is at the point where we felt we shouldn't go through with the wedding but taking it as something we have to do, get out of the way of, so that we can go on with our normal life. I don't think there will be a very significant change in things just because we are now 'married' as opposed to being 'attached. Maybe i am wrong but then, our lives for the last two years has been so stable that it seems we are practically married, judging by the time we spent with each other. So i am hoping that the 'change' after signing the marriage cert would be minimal, well at least emotionally.

Practical issues such as where to stay etc would be additional things to worry about but i think we got a good compromise on that so looking forward to see what will happen after friday the 9th of sept.

One week

Another week more to go... Lunar seventh month is over and today, first day of the lunar eighth month, we had our 'Guo Da Li'. Very simple thing that involve wilk and his male cousin bring over the cakes and 'Pin Jin' to my parents and doing some sort of exchange. Have not seen anything like it in my life but i know some people throw buffets and have relatives over during the ceremony. We kept it quite simple and the guys were in and out of here in less than 1/2 hour though initially it was quite awkward as we are quite wonderfully inept with traditional customs (wilk even had to call home once to check on the procedures). But was quite nice though, with all the laughing and hearing wilk calling my parents mom and dad. Not much things for me to do except take over the videocamera and help record down our 'ji shou ya jiao' attempt at Guo Da Li.

After the morning ceremony was completed, my parents left to bring the cakes to church for their friends and i was left cleaning out my room. Gosh... another five days...

Two weeks

2 fridays before the "Actual Day"... the girls took me out for my hen party down at clarke quay. Tremendous fun cos we managed to polish of 1 bottle of red, 1 bottle of white, 1 bottle of champagne and other cocktails between the 5 of us. Think they were trying to get me drunk (though i must say i did ask for a hen nite to get drunk in) by making me empty out whole glasses of wine at one go. And then the secretive 'disappearances' here and there certainly got my guard up as i began to suspect it wasn't just gonna be drinking that i was in for. True to their word, they got the live band at the bar (incidentally ran by Angie's friend) to got me up on the stage and sang "Cant take my eyes off you" with them. By then, I was happy and high and not sure if i was walking really straight but i did remember that the lead singer was rather cute (but others more sober told me otherwise). Anyway, it was a terrific evening and though the girls didnt get me a stripper, i had great company, wine, singing/dancing and just before we left, a big hug and a peck on the cheek by the lead singer. What a great party!

Getting there...

51double26xF
Originally uploaded by aurorin.

Yesterday, while eating sushi alone after gym (erm quite healthy la..), i suddenly realised that the wedding will be in 3 weeks time. Immediately my stomach felt like it's been hit by a cold stone mallet and i wanted to throw up. It was the exact same sort of feeling i had just before entering the exam hall of a maths paper. But that feeling gradually subside and by the time i talk to him on the phone, i was pretty ok again. Guess the pre-marriage jitters story is true then... though i didnt imagine that the 'pain' can be quite that acute and scary.

All the while i figured that there cant possibly be that much changes to our lives once we get married officially. At least not in the outward sense.. but since yesterday, the potential internal changes seems too tangible and too overwhelming all of a sudden. Though i was calmer by the end of the night, there is this nagging feeling which is hard to put a word to that continues to linger at the back of my mind.

Today at work, i flip open my online wedding album and viewed our photos again. Somehow... it helped tremendously in brushing away the lingering feelings from last night. I dont know why. Perhaps its how the photos managed to capture our happy moments and everything was so familiar that it did not seems foreign to me. It was a comforting, secure feeling that felt, not so much like i'm falling in love again, but reminding me of the times i am IN love and BEING loved by this special person.

This feeling is not the heady passionate kind but it is a very powerful feeling that seems to rock your own sense of being yet nothing quite moved inside. I cant really describe it well but i know that at least wilk would understand it. Sort of like how nothing in our wedding album would make sense to others but those photos are probably the most frank and private images that means so much to the two of us.

Fireworks

Was going to walk to city hall to catch the fireworks last night but somehow wasn't feeling quite up to it with the crowd that would be around fullerton area. In the end made up our minds to drive home from our studio. Must be fate. The usual turning towards home happened to just get blocked by the police, probably because of the mobile column going that way and we had to turn towards town instead.

Decided to try our luck going up shears bridge to see if we could go towards marina south and park somewhere to view the fireworks. It was around 7.35pm then. Turned out to be a great decision because we were stuck in a traffic jam going up shears bridge and by the time we got to the top, it was around 8pm and we found tons of cars stopping by the side of the bridge, right ontop of the river mouth at the marina bay area. Traffic policemen were around of course but they weren't really shooing people away.

So when the fireworks started, I was sitting out on my car window, having fireworks to the left and right of me at both ends of the bay, cheering with the rest of the drivers who had all stepped out of their cars. Having fireworks exploding just above you. Very cool, that. Right timing, right place, right moment. Once the fireworks were over, the traffic police just waved us off and it was a nice smooth ride home as i turned out of prince edward road and drove back to the east via kallang before the rest of the crowd around the Padang dispersed.

What a great way to end the evening.

Running around

The last two weeks has been hectic� a lot to do with running to the hospital after work and chauffeuring people around. It was only the last two days before I get to be home early to rest but inevitably, I never do get to sleep on time nor feel very rested in the morning.

Cancer, I realize is a terrible thing. To the patient� and not least, to their families. This is the first time that cancer struck quite close to home and I hope, that would be the closest it�ll ever get. Two weeks ago, a sudden early morning phone call from my mom from the china, alerted my brother and I that my aunt (dad�s younger sister) was in a pretty bad shape. She has been complaining of pain in her legs and was unable to walk steadily without support. Doctors whom she consulted told her it could have been a slight compression in her spinal cord and recommended physiotherapy but it didn�t help, instead she continue to lose control of her mobility. Coupled that with her problem with insomnia and lack of appetite, she lost a lot of weight over a span of 3 weeks. It seemed that in a moment of desperation, she had asked her daughter to call my parents, who were in china, at 4am that morning because she felt that something was really wrong with her.

Upon suggestion from another relative, we took her to Mt A to consult with another doctor who recommended a MRI to be performed immediately. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a brain tumor but at that time, doctors told us quite confidently that it would be a benign one and that upon surgery to remove it, it would immediately alleviate her mobility problems. We could tell that my aunt was quite scared about the news because just 5 years ago, she had breast cancer and after radiotherapy and chemotherapy, she has only been recently told that she is cured and only need follow-up once a year. Her greatest fear would be to undergo all those treatments again. But doctors assured us that she would be all right after surgery and so surgery was scheduled 3 days on the Tuesday before last. Being my aunt�s only close relatives, my parents came back to Singapore the night of her surgery, hoping to provide some help to the family.

A supposably straight-forward surgery which doctors said would only take 4-6 hours, ended only after almost 10 hours. And by the doctor came out, we knew it was pretty bad news. The tumor turned out to be malignant and not well defined, and though he tried to remove as much of the tumor as he could, he could not be sure that some of the cancer cells has not gone into the brain tissue or other parts of the brain. The news was devastating to my cousins and their main worry was how my aunt would take the news since she has a phobia of getting cancer again. The recovery process from the surgery was tedious and stressful as my aunt was hardly herself for the last 2 weeks. Each day, she appeared different and sometimes she would scream and hit herself alot, while other times she appear lucid & calm. When she was discharged last saturday, she became a little better though she still cant walk and is now at my place being looked after by my cousin and my mom.

After all the tests and consultation with doctors from NCC, it was confirmed that her tumor was spreaded from previous the cancer cells and she would need to undergo radiotherapy soon. Prognosis did not look too good though doctors did not advice on how long the treatment would prolong her life or would she be cured at all. Like my cousin said, its really taking things one day at a time. Guess now, we only have to worry about how to break the news to her and convince her to go for treatment before worrying about other things.

Big Mad Crazy World

So after we have 9/11, now we have 7/7...

I think it is disgusting, appalling, downright demented when people seek to blow up innocent people just to make a point. Life is already short. Why do people seek to make it shorter? Despite all the injustices in the world, can such acts of terrorism be ever justifiable?

I shudder to think of what the world will be like for my children.. or my children's children.

Alter-ego

studio-mew
Originally uploaded by aurorin.

UltraMew

0272nh050108
Originally uploaded by aurorin.

Collected my photos... Very very happy... Heeee

On the way of being wed : The Photoshoot

On the day of the photoshoot and we did some studio shots first from 11-12.30 of us in our wedding gown/suit in colour & b/w more for keepsakes and our parents than anything else. The bouquet which shirley did was superb. Very exotic looking marooon calla lilies and orchids.

Once the studio shots were done, we change into causal and went to bugis junction where we met my "powerpuff girls" from work for sushi But we had to take photos secretly there which was also quite fun.. sort of like guerilla-style photography. Very paparazzi and in the end the manager came by to ask us to stop. *heh heh* After that we also took some shots at breadtalk (again, secretly) and some places at The Edge.

Later we went to little india and stopped at our art studio to change into our 'bohemian' + tourist get-up before getting another group of our friends to go down to mustafa with us where we took quirky shots at the supermarket and toys dept (supermarkets and toys are a hugh part of our lives). Very entertaining, esp for the indian staff there and they were so nice despite knowing what we were doing, no one came to stop us. One of our friends even came down in his pyjamas and a tie after learning about our 'theme'. We had tons of fun and one of our regular 'prop' was a canvas that Wilk had painted on a UFO, which sort of hover around us in various photos. Very B-grade movie and cheesy but hey, that's us! :D

After Mustafa, we changed into pyjamas and furry slippers and went down to the corner coffeeshop near the studio with our friends for kopi & toast before. The look on the old uncles there when they saw us was priceless! One of the little boys helping out the kopi uncle couldn't stop smiling at us and my furry piggie slippers.

Last stop was changi airport, another venue which was meaningful to us because in the beginning of our r/s, we were often plagued with a sense of transcient and dislocation. I also remembered picking up wilk and sending him at the airport back when he was studying in UK and somehow, flying away and flying back always had a special significance for us, even til now. Our friends featured quite a bit in our photoshoot and it was wonderful having them joining us. We also had my fav soft toy cat and wilk's various ultraman in alot of the shots too, like a running thread which tied everything together.

We didn't take any photos of the wedding gown/suit outdoors because we didn't think it made much sense. The chances of seeing someone in PJs at the coffeeshop is infinitely more possible that a wedding couple sitting there drinking coffee no? Whatever make-up i had on in the morning studio session was what i had for the rest of the day and i tied my hair the same way i usually do. Not much fuss, just the way i like it. :)

On the way of being wed : The Photographer

Just completed our photoshoot on tuesday and it has been such a fun-filled and interesting day that i would love to do it all over again! The photographer is from The Pond and he was fantastic! We knew right from the start this is the kinda photographer we wanted after viewing tons of portfolio from various different photographers.

It wasn't so much about having beautiful images of us in our wedding finery... but what was meaningful to us would be to have photos of us that showcase our love, our lives, our interest and it is the truth that neither wilk & I are that sort of beautiful people to begin with! In reality we are wannabe quirky normal people wanting to be crazy artists and we enjoy being with friends, being alone and just being ourselves. So why should our wedding album denote us any differently? So we set out to find someone who can show us as we are, what we aspire to be and the kind of love between us. And we found him in Ngiap Heng, our photographer. Initially, we were seriously contemplating forgoing having a photoshoot altogether after looking at other albums but when we chanced upon The Pond, something just clicked. I guess it was his philosophy of creating albums which are meaningful to the individual couples and the way he composed his images that shows a little something special of the couple themselves.

We only met up with The Pond once and we decided on the spot that it had to be this or nothing. And we haven't look back since. :)

On the way of being wed : The Wedding Invite

The invites are out! Credit truly goes to Wilk and his wonderful design, and his friend who printed them out FOC for us as a wedding present. We had a great time setting up his camera in our studio and taking silly 'neoprint-like' pictures one saturday afternoon before taking those images to make the 'postcard'-invites for the wedding. I have to admit it is abit 'heow' but i really love the colours and cheeky shots of wilk & i on the invite. Perhaps we are really breaking with tradition here (think creamy cards with gold/silver embrossed letter) since our card doesn't even have our surnames on it. Was initially quite worried what parents would think since usually the wedding invites has both parents names and our full names on the cards in some formal sounding invitation wordings. Thankfully, both set of parents were okie with it or perhaps, since we have been doing things differently, they have just gotten used to letting us have 'our way'.

I think right from the start, it wasn't so much that we wanted to be "different" or that we snub the kind of weddings that most people have, rather we wanted to have a wedding that made sense and appeal to us. Sadly, what most people do on their wedding dont quite cut it with us though i have been to many beautiful weddings. I want to have a beautiful wedding too... but unfortunately, after talking to other brides or brides-to-be, our idea of a 'beautiful wedding' doesn't quite match up to what other people want. It is the same for the venue, the type of gown, the wedding invitation, the photoshoot, the actual program. It was a little tough initially because it meant that, for us to have the wedding WE would like to have, we really have to do everything on our own because there wasn't many people out there who has similar experience in the kind of things we wanted.

Still, no regrets because it is our party and we are entitled to doing it the way we like it right? So hopefully our guests will feel the same way too and give us their blessing.

On the way of being wed : The Gown

Well.. the gown is finished and am really pleased with it. It seems crazy to obsess about a dress but heck.. it is THE DRESS. The *hopefully* once-in-a-lifetime gown which you'll remember in years to come and probably not be able to ever fit into again. Shirley, the designer at Flamingo Bridal, was really nice to work with and the lady does everything! From designing the gown, the detailing of the gown, the hairstyle, the make-up, the flower bouquet, i doubt that there are many designers out there that is so involved in a bride's wedding process. Absolutely no regrets whatsoever, despite initial apprehension of not using more 'famous' designers. Looks like now i have gotten the cake and eaten it too, because i managed to kept the cost below budget and got a gown that i am very happy with.

Training and Holidays

First week of the hols was devoted to training of the teachers. Would have loved to be on leave then but i guess work always comes first. From the responses of the teachers from the two schools, i have to say that our teachers have a longer way to go. The good thing is, the teachers themselves seems very interested in learning and taking the training seriously, rather unlike their previous 'i don't care' attitude. In fact saw a couple of teachers back in school during the hols preparing their classrooms and had a few good prep meeting with some classes and restructuring their classroom. Hopefully the training had truly spark off some real interest and get the teachers to be more involve and committed to teaching the children.

1/2 hr before lunch

and i am free enough to do silly quizzes on the sly...

Holidays are definitely here...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Birthdate: March 1

Your birthday suggests that are executive ability and leadership qualities in your makeup. A birthday on day 1 of any month gives a measure of will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You may be sensitive, but your feelings stay rather repressed.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Bangkok and back again

Sort of nightmarish short vacation over the long weekend in Bangkok. Was sick and felt terribly harassed right from preparing to leave (stupid agent messed up on name and had to get ticket just few hours before flight) to shopping in the markets crammed with singaporean tourists. Thank god for a supportive bf who took care of me when i am sick and a good friend who helped us to change money, and then courier the money to me at work so that i didn't have to rush.

I am a terrible shopper and crowds, coupled with the humid weather, made me cranky and very uncomfortable. Can't say i like BKK very much, perhaps i ought to stick to just visiting 'quieter' places... like a beach resort on a weekday. Managed to lug back the wedding favours we bought from the chartuchak weekend market but little else. Sad, but true. All i got for myself is a couple of bras and underwear, only because everyone told me how cheap they are. But frankly, i didn't really care.

Came back home and still quite sick. Looking forward to the start of my holidays next week but i know there are still tons of 'personal' stuff to take care of. But at least i got those stuff planned out and shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Think the next time i go BKK i will insist on staying in a nice resort/hotel.. and do nothing except swim in the pool and go for thai massages. AND if i feel up to it, and i do mean IF, i might go to a market or two and try bargain for useless things just for the sake of bargaining.

Of lawsuits and relationships...

I didn't consider that writing blogs would ever lead to lawsuits or could potentially cause relationships to suffer. It is a pity though not necessary surprising since the web is after all, public. And when thoughts and views are put 'out there', some feathers are bound to be ruffled since no one ever shares the exact view as you do, on all subjects.

Lucky me, i just can't imagine anyone would bother to sue me for bad poetry and prose, or the fact that i thought rob & amber should have won the amazing race. A bit sad for those who had to change their blogs (or delete it) because of the effect their writings had on others. Guess sometimes, some thoughts ARE better off kept in our heads.

A month of thoughts

~~~
Before i knew it, case conferences are almost over and holidays are dawning yet again. It has been quite a hectic semester in school; one filled with stressful work, funny children, unhurried lunches and sweaty badminton sessions.

~~~
Going to BKK over the long weekend and sort of feeling quite unprepared.
a) Have not picked up our air tickets
b) Have not changed any money
c) Have no idea where to go

Still, am looking forward to be away for a bit but wilk may be quite stressed about it. After all, he is the one flying off to japan the day after we returned. As it is, we hardly have time to do much else (perhaps more on that later), what more prepare to go on a trip.

~~~
Busy. I am busy. He is busy.
It is the end of the exams and all self-respecting teachers (him, on days when he is not late for school) are busy marking papers, preparing for work trip to japan and organizing a script writing workshop for a friend.

ON TOP of that, he still managed to clean his room/walls and we fixed up and clean most of the furniture in his room (new shelves, double bed, wardrobe). Quite proud of him actually. All i contributed was to colour-coordinated his clothes and perhaps fix up parts of the shelves while trying not to muck things up. I must say, the room looked quite spiffy after a bit. If only we don't have to put back all the stuff now stuck in the study room.

~~~
FINALLY, confirmed the floral decor and colour scheme for the wedding, as well as completing the design of the invitation postcards. The menu has been finalized and we are pretty happy with the selections. Makes me hungry to think about it actually. So what else is there? Probably need to call up the wine people now and our photographer to plan for the photo shoot. The gown is almost done and i am happy with it. A little 'fiasco' with the suit but all is taken care of. So guess we should just take care of ourselves now and try not to 'outgrow' our clothes before sept.

~~~
All that hooha about The Amazing Race and i missed the last episode. Found out the results the next day and was a trifle bit disappointed that Rob and Amber didn't win. I realized i must be one of the few (very few) who actually feels this way because people are going on and on about how terrible these two are. I guess the other couple is nice and all that but I have always thought R&A had played well, in a scheming, thinking sort of way. Probably they have poor sportsmanship or even have poor moral values or whatever, but i must say they make a good team and display pretty astute gamesmanship (if there is such a word) with great teamwork/tactics and also the ability to be totally focused on the task at hand. If otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten first place for that many pit stops.

In the end, it wasn't that they played the game badly, but a stroke of luck, which decided the winning team. Some said poetic justice but well... i thought it was quite a shame.

~~~
Incidentally, i lost two kgs on this 'weird-ass' (that's what one of my friends calls it) diet which involves eating brown rice and tons of vegetables and fruits, as well as having at least 1.5 litres of water a day. It is actually pretty tasty and we (all part of the not outgrowing our gown/suit bid) have been having it for lunch and breakfast for the last week and a half or so. Dinner is as per normal but i do feel the difference already. Probably keep at it for another week (not in BKK though) and see how it goes.

Tickle Thoughts

In this half crazy world I sometimes gets a thought or two
Whizzing by me
Tantalizing tickles
It is as much as I can hold, like a goldfish.
You know what I mean?

43things.com

Thanks to gpa, now i have my own list of 43things to do...

Priority

Is definitely not blogging... for now. No doubt i missed it and i still try to read friends' blogs in between the more.. 'important' things in my life.

****
Work is shit. Was. And probably going to still be.
But it's life. And increasingly, i cannot really imagine trying to move out of it. Not that i haven't tried.

Surfed internet on work opportunities in OZ. Used to be that i would seek for something different. Like being a psych in other areas or learning to deal with clients of a different demographic. Not these recent searches. I want to contine with what i know and use it. But sadly, OZ might not offer that to me. How it will eventually be, i do not know. For now, work IS shit but damn if i am gonna let it go.

****
Hen night for a friend and we took her to a private belly dancing class all decked out in navel-exposing gear. Not an easy... sport. But fun nonetheless. After that a dinner and drinks at chijmes and we talked till 2am. I can't really remember much, on the account of the few round of drinks (including shots of tequila) we had but one topic stuck in my mind... the relationship between mother and daughter-in-laws.

I am honestly apprehensive about being a member of someone else's family. Disregarding whether one's new family is nice or otherwise, i guess there will always be some uneasiness because no two family culture is ever the same. And frankly, it will be a different sort of family that will 'adopt' me into their midst come September. Perhaps the 'assimilation' would not be that 'painful' when we don't stay together but i guess one has got to learn.

****
Right. Wedding check list.

Date - Confirmed
Venue - Confirmed, awaiting finalized contract
Dress - 2nd fitting soon
Shoes - Bought
Photographer for photoshoot - Confirmed, shoot in June
Photographer for Day - Confirmed
Videographer - Have contact, awaiting confirmation
Invitation - Half-way through design process

Now, on to florists and their quotations so head is filled with images of different blooms now.

Wedding prep feels like work.
And if you recall... work is... sigh.

Don't forget, there is still the wine, the transport and other nitty gritty things which i am sure will come up sooner or later... Still, like work, i am not about to let it go right now.


I wonder if continuing to date might perhaps be a better option.

****
Film fest with 8 movies and Pin Boy was so incredibly boring.
Either that, or i was not in the right frame of mind to decipher what the story is about.

Realization No. 61

It is always easier to make sense of unfortunate things and put them in perspective when they happen to other people.

Lobang in my elbow

After being plagued by that silly lump in my elbow for the past year, i finally decided to get it removed last week at my doctor's. The whole procedure took less that 1/2 hour and wilk got everything down on tape, from the injection of the LA to the cutting, to the pulling out of the cyst, to the stitching.

Very entertaining. Especially watching on a bigger screen than the camera's. Not quite open-heart surgery but still, with the scalpel cutting away and the blown-up shots, it was pretty gross to said the least. At the end of the procedure, there is just this diamond shaped lobang on my left elbow and now i am working around with "cookie monster blue" stitches. And the doctor was so nice as to give me a running commentary of what's happening (i couldn't see because i was lying on my stomach) and the lump at the end of it for a momento in a little bottle filled with saline. Think i will keep it to show my mom but wilk said it is starting to look really unhealthy, with yellow cheesy thing oozing out of a thin layer of fat-like sac.

Would have posted a shot of the 'lump' here but... Heh heh, maybe not.

Searching

When you know what you are looking for, does it make it easier to be found?

A cat who would be a lemur... or panda...

We have been painting a lot of cats in the studio lately. Well mainly wilk, though i tried my hand at a cat or two. Mine are usually happy, smiley, contented, chubby cats. Much like how i remember ruski to be but wilk's cats are a mysterious, menacing, crafty colour-run ones. Perhaps sort of how he feels ruski is like (esp the menacing bit). But last night, wilk painted a cat... well sort of a cat from one of ruski's photos (ruski's photos on our camera phones are a huge 'inspiration'). But it looked sort of... funny.

It started looking much like a bear cub with a flat head, then a lemur with big unblinking eyes and when blue outlines were added, it suddenly transformed into a panda. As odd as it sounds, the painting actually started to look more like ruski as compared to wilk's previous 'ruski-cat' paintings. Maybe it is the goofiness or the startle-wide-eyed look which was so spot on (esp when you jump into the bathroom, surprising ruski during one of his 'mid-lick' moments). But i think, it was the absense of the previous qualities in the other cats and this was just ruski as a harmless domesticated pet who is really just quite blur.

So... are you going to finally admit that you don't fear ruski as much as you think you do, dear? *grins*

Big things, little things

I wonder if anyone have the experience of being so focused on the details of a particular thing, that they fail to see the big picture. This is just a thought i have after listening to a friend who is currently doing an art project which involves him looking for a quote in the books of a particular author. Talk about looking for a needle in a haystack but such patience! Anyway, while i think i understand his rational of undergoing through such a, in my view, clinical and precise process, it is something difficult for me to envisage doing myself.

I am a 'big picture' reader and i read fast. To put it plainly, i read chunks of sentences, enough to know what they mean and move on quickly, trying to catch the rest of the fleeting images of the story as it unfolds in my head. Though occasionally, a particular good line stands out like a beacon beckoning at me, rather than the other way round. And i realized that when i focus on the individual words and slow down, i often stumble and fall into the chasm of grammer, syntax and vocabulary. Nothing much gel and at the end of the day, i often couldn't really remember what i have read.

Perhaps it is just me, having the inflexibility of the mind to both focus on the details and pull out far enough to appreciate the big picture. Perhaps, i am just too impatient to try and do that, appreciate both the language and its meaning at the same time. Maybe that's why i like to re-read my books. First round skim through the lot to 'view' the images, then a 2nd reading to pick out nuances of the langauge. Not a very effective way i guess, but i'm slow in that way...

Maybe for my next book, i should try to do both at the same time.

The Powerpuff Girls Lunch Club

Lunch time at work these days has been spent with some of the newer (under 1 year of service) young and pretty therapists in the social work department's counselling room eating lunch and chit-chatting together. It is nice, relaxing and generally cheerful. We have tons of fun and it was great not having to deal with work for a while, at least an hour a day when we can afford the time to eat a decent lunch without having a meeting schedule during lunch time.

Due to our regular 'gatherings' and friendship, the head of the social work dept has unceremoniously dubbed us as the "powerpuff girls" (in return, we call him our 'sugar daddy' for always buying us snacks and ice cream *heh heh*). And being the oldest of the lot *sigh*, i have been declared as the 'chief' of club. Other than lunch, we always have birthday gatherings, the latest being the sleepover/drinking/makan/mahjong party at my house during my birthday and long lunches during holidays. We even have a 'treasurer' who is incharge of the calculating the cost and collecting funds. Who knows, we may even get to register our little lunch club as a regular society once we have more members. :)

Still, working environment couldn't have been better. Now.. if only the work can improve...

I need a host...

for my photos so that i can link it up from my blog decently.
Yahoo photos and Sony Myimages just cant quite cut it.
The links doesn't stay where it is suppose to!
:(

Holidays are here but i am pretty stressed.
From term 2 onwards my responsibilities seems to have doubled and i am still far far behind in terms of my reports. Have a couple of sessions schedule with some teachers to prepare them for whats to come in the new term but i don't think that they are quite happy coming to school during the holidays. I don't think at this point they have any choice because we are really behind time.

Had a siblings workshop yesterday and we brought the kids to watch robots. Most kids behaved themselves and my group was pretty good. Would have enjoyed it more if the lunch was a bit more *cough* palatable (sorry angela) or if some of the kids are less spoilt. Sigh. The whole workshop could have been a little more well-planned too. Very harrowing to see people photocopying materials and changing some games details just before workshop started. Gosh, some even forgot that we will need pencils! But... i guess i am not quite anal of this sort of things. If anything, we will just wing it and see what happens.

Gazing

If I could, I would like to lie here and stare at the skies forever.

Meet Andrew

My latest car companion

Easily Old

or '29' in Cantonese... at least a sort of an approximation.

Well.. that's me.
Actually, it is not half bad, considering the gaping big 30 i will have to face up to same time next year.

I've always liked my birthday. First of March. Good number, easy to remember. Always rather enjoyed being an 'almost' leap year kid, missing the 29th of Feb by a couple of hours. I was, however, lucky enough to get my driving license on the 29th, making that a perfect birthday present in the year 1996.

In 2005, 1st of March was a good day.
I had the happy birthday song whispered into my ear at the stroke of midnight and everyone was nice to me at work. Well wishes poured through my phone from close friends who remembered and my mom called well ahead of everyone else to wish me a happy birthday.



My brothers topped their last year's surprise with a hugh bouquet of lilies this year AND an ice cream cake was sent to my office with "The Greatest Sister, Alice" decorated on it with Snoopy&Woodstock. That, despite the fact that none of my family is in Singapore.

Spent a lovely evening trying on wedding gowns and happily confirmed what the design would be. A check of the wedding-to-do list and a load of my mind. Close friends came by and even wilk, who should have been busy preparing for his exhibition in 2 days time. The lovely dear made reservations at a nice french restuarant call Aioli and i ended my birthday superbly having red wine, french food and great company with my dearest and friends.

Birthdays make me felt loved.
Thank you...

Oh shit! I forgot about V-day.

Some vague memory of spending it at the gym with a colleague doing body combat.
Ho ho...

How romantic is that?

But, i did save money on presents, dinner and avoiding tons of lovey-dovey couples on the streets. He probably had a load of burden off his mind too, since he's so busy with his preparation for his exhibition.

*Shameless Plug: Mega Attack II opening on 3rd March 2005 7pm. COME SEE!!!*

Still, you know i love you lots don't you darling? Without the presents and dinner? *grins*

Yuan Xiao

End of chinese new year and the day for tang yuan...

No one's home except dad who's in town for a 1 day stopover, together with some friends from China, so he is busy 'entertaining'. Even having dinner seems more like a 'business-local host' obligation thing.

Youngest bro went back yesterday and it's kind of sad.
I think i rather like having my brothers around at home. Not that we do anything much together but at least there is someone at home when you need them.

Yuan Xiao is a day to celebrate family togetherness.
Looks like i got to buy myself some mochi ice cream for a make-do celebration instead.

Dysfunction

Why on earth does everyone has a dysfunctional family these days?
Is that the "IN"est thing?
A growing "trend"?
Is Dysfunctionality the new "Normality"?

What is it and where do i get one for myself?

Oh.
Wait.
I already inheirted one.
Heh heh.

Nice to be part of the majority for once.

What do you mean it's OVER!?

That's right baby... the holidays are over!
Drats.
Envy independent schools who declared a whole week of holiday.
Bleah.
I barely warmed up to the whole CNY festivities and whoosh... i am stuck back at work again.
And not allowed to take leave today because Big Boss said NO.
Anyway, most kids are back in school today so have work to do.
Sigh.
I am so sleepy.

Anyhow, angbao takings this year has been good.
VERY good.
I think everyone is storing up credit with me so that next year i get to be bled dry when i start giving them out. Sort of like fattening a sacrificial lamb.. cow.. whatever.

Been going around telling others that first year couples are spared this 'tradition'. Hopefully the rumour sticks. If not, there is always the cheap flights to bangkok for the duration. Heh heh.

Folks leaving on sunday night and bringing along my grandma. It's been a long time since she has gone back to china, hard to foresee if she would come back here. After all, we just threw a big family gathering (7 tables!!!) for her 90th birthday on the second day of CNY. Odd, that sort of massive gathering where you hardly know anyone and you questioned the redundancy of it all especially when the old lady in question couldn't really partake in the eating or even recognize most of her children. But i guess, like someone said, it's really the thought that counts and that family, no matter how dysfunctional, is somehow important.

Not that i have ever thought of it that way being one with loyalty not extending beyond my immediate family. As my brother puts it succintly when parents expressed the view to do this sort of gathering often, "I just want the exact opposite". Perhaps we are of a different generation but i just think, after all that 'family history' we are laden with, it is perhaps better just to leave everything behind us. Just a personal view of course and i always envied the closeness big extended families who gather every year for celebrations.

Just not this family.

Just seems terrible odd and... forced. So despite the folks good intentions, i can't help but feel it was a trifle bit misplaced since most of those who turned up are don't really give a damn for my folks or even their mother, my grandma. At times i think it is a blessing that the old lady doesn't remember a thing.

Ah well.
Blessed are the innocent and meek.

Have a Crowing Golden Rooster New Year

Yada yada yada...

Just glad to have a break at least.
And yes, the angbaos doesn't hurt too.

:)

Mad

My life is pretty crazy right now.

Work is hectic and unfruitful at the moment. Kinda crap.I used to like working. A lot. Because i get to be with the kids and work with them, see them improve.But now that work has turn more into helping and training the teachers, i am getting all the stress and none the satisfaction. I don't know. I just don't think i can relate to adults in a work environment very well. I hate having to come down on adults to do things and chase after them to complete certain responsibilities. I feel like fucking middle-management.

I want to go back to doing groundwork. Get my hands dirty with the kids and not run training programs facing indifferent people who just rather not be there in the first place. Heck, give me a kid that bites and kicks anyday.

Folks are back. Would be great if things are great but the vibes are not fantastic. I guess i rather not think or talk about it. I can only say i am not the perfect kid because i WOULD fight for what i believe in, even though i hate fighting. I think parents hate having a kid like that. Uncompromising bitch, whenever to whoever. That's me.

Gave up on the travel log to china. Seems a hassle though i have tons of materials. Who gives a shit anyway?

Gym has been going on well. Went for body combat class on monday and it felt great to visualize punching the living daylights out of someone(s). Too bad i looked like flabby fish flopping around in a crowded studio. Mind over mirror. If i don't look at the mirror, there's no dispute... i AM lethal. *haii ya!*

Yes.. the wedding prep. Been pretty good. Keeping to budget and timeline. Helps to be an anal-retentive perfectionist at times. Got the bridal salon. Got the photographer. Got the venue. Just not quite good in minding the sensitivities of 'periperal' participants (aka the relatives). Leaving it up to the PR department (him, with the stronger EQ) to mop up my "destructiveness". So far so good. That's what i call teamwork. I 'cheong' ahead to forge new frontiers and he watch my back and tidy up behind me while calming down the startled farmstock.

How typical of one to blog when one is full of gripe.

Got to think of happy thoughts. Soon.

Working on a saturday

.. is what i would call mandatory volunteerism.

In any case, i am here in school and so are some teachers.
This better be a saturday well spent.

Personality Clash

It would have been easier to just say that that's what both of us have. But it is really a little more complicated than that. If anything, i can only say, we fight because on a rationality level, we differ as of ice and hot lava. Yet on an emotionality level, we are two peas in a pod.

Hence, its just like the chinese saying.. Huo xing zhuang di chiu (mars hitting the earth). Most of the time, if we are orbiting in our own paths, peace in the universal and goodness to all mankind. But when our orbits collide? All hell breaks loose. Well, at least in my head.

In Memory of Whisky...

...my brother's 3 mth old schnauzer who passed away this morning

You came into Eric's life at christmas
and would have been his greatest companion.
He was going to teach you all sort of cool things too
and thought you were so bright to learn how to sit so soon.
Remember the can of tennis balls?
I remembered telling him you weren't that tall
to play catch.
Still, he said, when you're older you'll be able to fetch.

Sorry you couldn't stay
because i think he would have like you to.
At least for a long long while.

Know that wherever you may go,
you took a bit of us with you
just as we kept a bit of you
for company.

Stay warm, Whisky...
23th Dec 2004 - 10th Jan 2005

Travel Log 1.2

16/12/04 Thursday : Humen - Guang Zhou- Guang Xi (Guilin)

Set off early morning at 8am to Guang Zhou, hitching a ride with one of my mom�s friends. Arrived at Sha Mian Dao (literally, sand covered island), a rather unique enclave islet on the river where the Europeans and trading posts were. Hence the small area was filled with colonial/European styled buildings and had an old catholic church. Compared to the hustle and bustle of normal day Guang Zhou, Sha Mian Dao was tranquil and peaceful. It was hard not to like a place where you see endless of old people strolling in the park along the river, middle-aged gents and ladies dancing and playing badminton or jian zi. There were also cherubic little kindergarten children out on a late morning stroll with their teachers, their hands holding on to loops along a long rope, smiling and waving to the old uncles and aunties that called out �good morning� in Cantonese. At Sha Mian Dao, we also saw our first �adult playground� which looked exactly like any of our playgrounds except on closer examination of the playground equipment, they were actually exercising machines for the adults. Spent some time take photos and assuring two old ladies in my semi half-baked Cantonese (which I learnt watching old VHS tapes of Hong Kong serials when I was young) that Wilkie meant no harm taking photos of children at the playground. Hence it was mightily flattering when they thought I was a local bring around foreign friends. *heh heh*

Next up, dimsum at Victory Hotel (RMB 40 for 4) before hopping onto a cab to the Chen Academy (Chen Jia Ci � RMB 10) along En Long Road. It was the 2nd visit for me since I visited it with babes a while back, but this time the weather was fantastic (not raining) and Wilkie was there finally to see it with me. It looked pretty much the same, but Wilkie and the girls had a great time taking photos of the intricate figurines made of stone on the roof tops while I sponge off local Chinese tour groups by tagging along behind them and listening to the guide introducing the various exhibits in the traditional Cantonese mansion. After that, on to GuangZhou Museum of Art at Heng Fu Lu by the electric tram (RMB 2) where we managed, by our shabby poor student getup, to get the cheaper student admission tickets (RMB 10 per ticket). Sadly, it was quite disappointing for me because more halls were closed for viewing and what�s available were hardly interesting in my opinion though Wilkie thought there were some �gems� in there and bought almost RMB500 worth of books.

Took another lift from the same friend of mom back to Humen (1 � hr drive) where we had a rather hurried dinner (Abalone/chicken porridge with roasted pigeon! YUM!) before rushing to Shen Zhen Airport to catch our flight to Guilin, GuangXi at 8.15pm. For this next leg of the trip, we would be joined by my parents, one of their friends (yes, the one we hitched a ride with) and 3 of her children. 10 persons in all and quite interesting but I was still pretty glad it only lasted for 2 days. Touched down in Guilin at 10pm and the weather was cool and slightly foggy. Airport transfer cost us RMB20 per head and courtesy of my dad�s arrangement, we checked in Guilin Bravo Hotel, a relatively peaceful 4-stars hotel for the next two evening (RMB380 � double room) though it wouldn�t have been my choice. Perhaps something more �budget� if we had our way?

Stocktaking...

2004 was... OK for me personally, i think.

At least i don't recall any particular nasty incident and unpleasantness, though i seem to have lost some sense of myself, fought with people, became quite stressed at various parts of the year (training with 'colleagues'... wedding prep... urgh!) and not to mention all the terrible things happening around the world (tsunamis, dumb war in iraq).

Perhaps i am not being very fair to 2004... after all, it has given me..

1) Generous birthday gifts
2) A couple of new friends and strengthen the ties of some older ones
3) An enlightening realization that he is 'the One'
4) A chance to go to US for training
5) Sept 9, 2004
6) Rainbow Award
7) Enjoyable holidays to Australia and China

I guess there must be more good stuff that had happened and i am thankful for my slice of it...

When the tsunamis hit...

we are left trying to fix the world in the brand new year...

So much for Happy new year.



Couldn't do much except to donate what we can (school held a collection) and hope that the money and necessities would reach the needy. It is sad that in time of such devastation, there are news of child-rapists taking advantage of the chaos and worries about profiteers clamouring for a piece of the black market pie. More often than not, it just seems like everyone is measuring each other up on how much money each is donating...

Maybe, i just have too dim a view of the world.
Whatever it is, welcome 2005.

Travel Log 1.1

14/12/04 Tuesday : Shen Zhen - Humen

Touched down in Shen Zhen Bao An Airport on SQ flight with Wilk and two of our friends (henceforth, "the girls") around 2.30pm. Practically uneventful for the rest of the day after my dad picked us up in his battle-scarred MPV. Point to note is how dad has learnt to drive just like the locals, with no regards to lanes and no inclination to signal. It was quite nerve-wreaking being a front seat passenger. As usual, meals were hearty affairs that cost next to nothing considering the exchange rate of S$1 to nearly RMB 5. Wilk and I were pretty used to it by now but it was an eye opener for the girls to have a whole spread of fresh Japanese fare (Ooo more sashimi please!) for a mere pittance.

Settled into the parental slick, if slightly unfurnished, new 25th floor penthouse. Yes, relatively cheap housing too. Ok, so I was fairly impress with the new pad, but service from the locals I was not. It was pretty ridiculous when you have the money to spend and yet the people who do the renovations, deliver the furniture and plant the garden were pretty darn incompetent (kept bringing the wrong stuff, never bring the equipment they need for gardening and sat around drinking coffee instead). By the time we left, the gardeners (all 4 of them) still have not completed planting in a garden the size of two bedrooms of a 5-room flat and they have started almost 2 weeks before I even got there.

15/12/04 Wednesday : Humen

Brought the girls to see the local wet market (roasted dogs!!) and found it rather toned down compared to 2 years ago where there were stalls selling assorted wildlife such as raccoons, cats etc. Guess after the SARS and bird flu epidemic, the authorities have been really clamping down hard on exotic wildlife cuisine. Now all that is left are a couple stalls selling various reptiles like king cobras and bullfrogs. Still it was an eye-opener for city folks like us to see snakes being skinned alive and �drowned� in alcohol to make medicinal wine. Not to mention the abundance of live fishes swimming in numerous pools, ranging from huge eels to octopuses and all forms of clams and crustaceans. Only poor people would buy seafood that was dead and often, the seafood we get on the dinner table were most certainly alive minutes before they were put into the wok.

Afternoon spent bring the girls to the ONLY local tourist attraction, the Lin Ze Xu Museum. (RMB10). For those who have no inkling of Chinese history, that�s the guy who burned down all the opium (more like flood actually, than burned) which propelled the Opium War. That�s probably my 3rd visit there and frankly, it was pretty boring and the exhibits were limited and not well maintained. After dinner at home, we went prawn fishing (1st hr RMB38, 2nd hr RMB33) at the local �prawn pool�. If we were expecting a nice outdoor pond with balmy sea breezes, we were sadly mistaken. The �prawn pool� was just as the title suggested, a pool (which is not very big in the first place) filled with prawns housed within one of the shop houses along the main road. Not much to look at, but we were able to bring our own beer and peanuts, which we proceeded to ignore, being so intent watching our fishing lines. It may not sound like much, but I think the joy was in actually getting a prawn on the hook (using liver and prawn meat as bait). Once that happened, we stayed the whole 2 hours. By the end of the day, we took home around 1jin (kg?) of prawns of various sizes. Not too bad to the end of day 2 for a couple of city slackers who never even fished before.

The Quest...

My wedding notebook (you know, the one filled with secret information which does not make sense to anyone else but me?) is aptly named "The quest for Enlightenment". It was a hand-made 'one of a kind' (and made with love, so said on the introduction page inside) journal made from a recycled indian "philosophy" book i bought originally for the SO. The cover is still intact but the inside pages has been taken out and now it is ring-bound with blank journal paper.

SO didn't quite like it. I thought it was a laugh... so guess that's why i am using it now for the wedding notebook.

I think the heading just said it all, esp in light of our endeavours in this whole fiasco of wedding preparations. I must say that not all quests will bear fruit.

Let's hope this one will...

Hectic Holidays

Well, we are back, in one piece... more or less.
Let's just said that China has been extremely kind to us, gastronomically and financially. And not to forget, the graciousness and generousity of my parents to our friends while we were there.

hmMmm.. starting to sound like a thank you/acceptance speech thingy...

In any case, WILL post up trip details once i have my travel diary with me.

Summary as follows:
12 days
Humen, Guangzhou, Guilin, Yangshuo, Macau, Shantou
Eating,
Walking,
Cycling,
Cruising,
Drinking Coffee
&
Playing bridge.

But, it is actually more fun than that.
So stay tune...

Let's get jiggy with it!

To the tunes of Xmas Jingles!!!

*cough*
*hiccup*

*headache*

Can't wait to leave the country already...

Half-fucked face

One of the more hurtful things i uttered yesterday.

It came suddenly...
"Why don't you put your half-fucked face on it instead?"

Actually what i really wanted to say was...
"why do you have to put my half-fucked face on it?"

I guess i really meant to hurt someone else when the only thing i am really upset with is myself.
Lashing out at others is an easy way to cover up one's unhappiness of oneself.

I have a Jambu Tree...

Actually, make that two.

One tree resided in my garden where it has been planted directly into the ground while the other was planted into a flowerpot outside my gate. They are both huge and yet strangely, while during certain period of the year, the one outside my house continued to flower and bear fruits, in fact absolutely laden with them upon occasions while the one inside the house never did, despite being planted into the soil of the garden.

Then one particularly stormy night, the flowerpot outside my house was blown over. I realized that the reason the jambu tree outside was bearing so much fruit was that the roots has grown out of the pot and into the soil beneath the pot. But due to the storm and the weight of the pot toppling over, the thickest root, the size of my arm, was severed from the rest of the plant. Though we put the pot upright again, from then on, the tree withered and lost all it's leaves within a week. A gardener was employed to replant it directly into the soil outside my house when we noticed that part of the brunches, after a month or so, sprouted tiny leaves. After a few months, the leaves started coming back slowly but the tree itself remained rather 'crippled'. I doubt we will ever get jambus again.

This morning, my maid placed on the dining table, five big bright pink jambus. A miracle of sorts. Though not from the 'crippled' tree. Rather, the dormant tree in the garden had rather quietly flowered and bore fruits for the very first time. Just 5 and nothing more. But it was 5 perfect looking jambus.

Perhaps when given time, the tree outside will flower again.

Somethings i have learnt from my two jambu trees:
1) Things does not always remain good
2) When adversity happen, it does not mean we stop trying.
3) Like all things, it takes time for one's effort to bear fruit.
4) Just because someone else presented results first, you are not necessary out of the running.
5) Miracles can take time too.
6) Life will find a way.